EDITORIAL: The REAL Reason Construction Stopped On I-10
We have learned that construction along the I-10 corridor in Lake Charles was abruptly halted over the weekend due to a complaint filed by a family of angry trolls living beneath the Calcasieu River Bridge.
The complaint was filed with a local congressional representative shortly before all construction operations ceased, clearly in response to the influence of this highly regarded family of bridge trolls. We obtained a copy of the document through a Freedom of Information Act request, and have reproduced it below for your consideration.
The influence of mythical special interest groups on public works projects is nothing new to the city. For years, a highly organized group of sentient mole people living in area potholes have reportedly been behind numerous delays and postponements of regular street maintenance, while an advanced civilization of merfolk have allegedly been working behind the scenes to stall any and all improvements to area drainage systems.
Even the recent addition of bike lanes to Kirkman Street, which at first seemed designed to serve the needs of city residents, has been exposed as a political favor granted to an eldritch trickster god who thought it'd be fun to make the lanes abruptly end in heavy traffic every few feet just to see what happens.
In fact, very few areas of the city seem untouched by the corrupting influence of these special interests, which stretches back decades. For example, we have it on good authority that our streets were designed at the behest of a civic-minded minotaur who overvalues his privacy and lives in a part of the city impossible to get to by way of standard navigational practices. The inescapable red tape involved in all aspects of local government is clearly maintained by a lunatic herd of bureaucratic goblins, and everyone knows our municipal water system has been secretly controlled by a collective of nymphs and sirens for years.
When will it end?
It is our sincere belief that the residents of our fine city must make a stand against the unfair influence mythical creatures are exerting upon our city officials and state leadership. Enough is enough, Lake Charles!*
*None of this is at all true, of course, but we felt like we needed to point that out before someone on Facebook started yelling at us about fake news.